updates at 6 / by Warrior Ant Press Worldwide Anthill Headquarters in Kansas City, Missouri, USA.

The USA hadn't won a Ryder Cup in golf since 9/11 so Ben Curtis and Steve Stricker celebrated Sunday's victory with a terrorist fist jab. They were immediately remanded to the Green Zone to work on a plan to bring golf back to the Iraqi people.

Paula Poundstone suggested that since US currency had weakened so much in recent weeks that perhaps it was time to put George Bush's face on a dollar bill.

President Bush, after hearing about the Fed's plan to assume 700 million dollars in toxic mortgages, suggested that perhaps it was time to refinance the White House. "After more than 200 years at 1600 Pennsylvania there ought to be some equity in this place we can leverage. Laura was thinking of redecorating before we get kicked out this joint for good."

Bill O'Reilly was nominated for, but White House Press Secretary Dana Perino won, the Emmy Award in the Best Fake News Show Category.

A recent Gallup Poll found that as funny as Tina Fey was on Saturday Night Live portraying GOP VP-nominee Sarah Palin, watching the real Sarah Palin field foreign policy questions during a live interview was even funnier.

Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens whose felony corruption trial begins Monday in the District of Columbia, has asked for the medical records of the chief prosecution witness, Bill Allen, who hit his head during a motorcycle accident in 2001. Senator Stevens' lawyers are expected to argue that the witness could not be of sound mind, or why else would he be involved in business dealings with a Senator hell-bent on building a bridge to nowhere.

In an effort to entice young Republican voters to come out in November, Vice-President Cheney has agreed to campaign for John McCain at Haunted Houses in key Midwest, battleground cities. In the weeks before Halloween, Cheney is expected once again assume the role of "Lucifer" he made famous over the last 7 years and threaten to draft any 18-21 year-olds who don't promise to vote Republican on Nov. 4th.

Upset that the Yankees won't make the playoffs for the first time in more than a dozen years, George Steinbrenner ordered that the nearly completed new stadium, as well as the old one, be razed.

Related: In an attempt to stave off what will surely be another disappointing year and to lift a 58-year old curse, the Chicago Cubs held Goat Day, whereby the first 20,000 fans through the turnstiles were given a free billy goat. However, during an extended rain delay, several Cubs, aided by drunk fans, butchered 3 of the goats and proceeded to barb-b-que them in the bullpen much to the amusement of Cub's manager Lou Pinella who said the stunt reminded him of the late Yankee great, Billy Martin.

A government watchdog group revealed that the recent financial crisis was set off, in part, by Ron Paul's attempt to corner the gold market by buying Mr. T's collection of gold chains. Both Mr. Paul and Mr. T suggest that in addition to a supply of gold, a diverified portfolio should include a number of Hummel figurines.