candidates hold after-iowa sale

The following items were posted on e-bay soon after last night's Iowa caucuses.

*Soul of a preacher. Minimum bid. One coondog, one squirrel rifle, one popcorn popper. Will substitute Walker Texas Ranger badge for the coondog.

*Five brothers, and their 20 wives. POD.

*Set of G.I. Joe action figures, including the hard-to-find 60's Peace, Love, and Understanding one that skipped the draft and went to Woodstock.

*Boxed set of all 3,150 episodes of Law and Order. signed by 6,223 of the 13,400actors who have appeared in the episodes.

*Hillary Nutcracker. $21.99.

*Dreams of My Father. A very rare copy signed B.Obama, Sr. and below that Jr., Slightly dog-eared but still a fine copy. Online auction closes August 28th, 2008.

*X-files - the movie and numerous Dana Scully paraphernalia including alien autopsy clothes.

Package of Al Gore memorabilia including pre-An Inconvenient Truth Powerpoint Presentation that runs on Windows 2000 and not on an iMac.

who's suckering whom?

Candidates will have spent $50 million dollars on television ads in Iowa before day's end. And this during a time of the year when only farmers and relatives would dare venture outside or visit the place. Couple that with the amount spent by the press and the campaign workers and you have a tourism campaign that would make Coloradians proud.

Since only 300,000 Iowans are expected to caucus, the tv ads alone amount to $167 per caucus-goer. Wouldn't the state (and the nation) be better off if we gave them all a gift card to Farm Tractor Supply instead?

Iowa is also big on another boondoggle, ethanol production, so we suggest a new tourism slogan for the state.
Iowa, land of ethanol and the caucus, where boondoggles come true.

48 days, week 3

Monday, 11:10 pm.
Jack Bauer is spending New Year's eve in solitary confinement at the Glendale City jail. He sends at text message to Nina at CTU. "Ramirez is the man-in-the-chicken suit. He can lead you to Salazaar."

Nina comes back, "we're w/ U. Ramirez drinking @ Clear Lake HolidayN. Almeda has him covered. Stay strong. LOL."

Monday, 11:45 pm.
Hector Ramirez squeezes into the crowded bar, elbows his way between David Pouffe, Barack Obamas' campaign manager, and Jennifer Rowland, Barack's chief speechwriter. Ramirez leans over the bar, loosens his tie, slams his glass on the bar and shouts over the blasting karioke to the bartender, "Another!"

"Same as before? Manhattan? with Jim Beam and rye?" the bartender asks.

"That's an odd twist on a strange city" Rowland says outloud and then turning to Ramirez, "you can't be from around here."

"Make that two!" Hector calls to the bartender. When the drinks come he drops a twenty down, "Happy New Year," then slides the other drink over to Jennifer, "what's a beautiful Manhattanite doing in Clear Lake on New Year's Eve?"

"I'm from LA. Barack Obama brought me to Iowa. Richie Valens, Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, and boredom brought me to Clear Lake."

"Oh, yeah," Hector says smiling, "didn't they all crash and burn in a corn field in Iowa?"

"Everyone except Obama," Pouffe interrupts, "he's still flying high."

"I'm sorry," Hector says, "I didn't know you two were together. Anyway, after the caucuses, he'll be back down to earth."

"We have a working relationship." Jennifer interjects, "What, you know something we don't?"

"Don't trust the polls when you know the score."

Monday, 11:59 PM
Hector, Jennifer, and David, wearing party hats and blowing paper horns are counting down, "five, four, three, two, one!!!" David, who can hardly stand, blows feebly on a paper horn. Hector raises his glass to Jennifers, "To the New Year, a victory in the caucus, and then on to New Hampshire!" She smiles at him, then moves close to kiss him.

Tony Almeda watches the dance from the other end of the bar....

"So I'll see you at the victory celebration?" Jennifer says to Hector.

Hector smiles, "Whoever scores the most, wins. You wanna be a winner?" then points at Pouffe who's now passed out on the bar, "or a loser?"

Tuesday, 12:01 AM
Jack can hear a muffled celebration throughout the jail as inmates bang anything they can find against the bars. In the darkness, Jack's cell phones buzzes with a text message. "Happy New Year Dad. love Kim." Jack begins sobbing.

Tuesday, 2:00 pm.
Jennifer pulls open the door of the Obama bus which is idling outside of a diner and steps inside with 2 cups of to-go coffee. She hands one of the coffees to David Pouffe. "Where's Obama?" Pouffe takes a drink of coffee, then starts to gag.

"Rough night?" Jennifer mocks. "You know, for a campaign manager you're a lightweight. And you suck at karioke."

"Karioke? I don't remember that part."

"I didn't think so. There's a part of last night that I'd prefer not to remember."

"Barack's at the event. He wasn't happy that you weren't here this morning. I covered for you and told him you were researching the latest HRC ad."

"There's a new one?"

"Yeah, it shows her meeting with Benazir Bhutto and runs the lines, "I knew Benazir as a leader. She wasn't afraid of standing up to power, and at this critical time in our nation, I won't either. We need a strong leader, one who isn't afraid to stand for change."

"What a crock of shit. She probably had tea and crumpets with Bhutto while Bill shumped a servant in the kitchen. She's clueless, but it sounds like it might play well. Isnt't it a little soon to be trying to capitalize on the assisination of a leader. Should we play up pandering? or the war?"

"Barack wants to leave it alone, I thought otherwise, you were nowhere to be found, so we're in a holding pattern. Did you have fun last night?"

"After I put your lame ass to bed, yes, I had a ball. Did you learn to drink like that with your soft Harvard pals?"

"Fuck you," Pouffe mutters under his breath as he walks off the bus, out into the cold, and pukes on the ground.

Wednesday, 8:00 AM
CTU director Mason picks up the phone "What do you have on Ramirez?" he asks Tony Almeda.

"He was snorking one of Barack's aides last night. They ended up at Denny's for breakfast."

"Any sign of Salazaar, or the chicken suit?"

"Not yet."

"The President is ready to pull the ropes on CTU and turn the investigation over to Secret S. SS will immediately arrest Ramirez because they consider him a danger to the candidates. If that happens, we lose our chance to get to Salazaar. Find them both, NOW!"

Thursday, 2:45 PM
Mike Hukabee drives past a large crowd of picketers, supporters, and press through the NBC Burbank Studios gate for the taping of that evening's Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Thursday, 10:55 PM
Nina, bored with the inaction at CTU, is scanning the web. She trolls past the United Hollywood blog to check for the latest strike info. A video posting entitled, "Mike Huckabee is a scab!" catches her attention. She plays it. In the opening seqeuence, a limosine drives past hordes of picketing WGA members at the NBC west gate. Something catches her attention. She calls Almeda over. "Tony. Check this out!"

Thursday, 10:58 PM
"Right there. Stop it right there! Now zoom in on the man standing just outside the gate. Now blow it up. There! Look at that." Almeda squints at the image and sees a man-in-a-chicken-suit holding a placard. The placard reads "Mike Huckabee is a scab. Watch Letterman @ 11."

Thursday, 11:00 PM
The desk seargent at Glendale City Jail shuffles into the break room, pulls a beer from the fridge, props his feet on the table, uncorks the beer, takes a long pull, then points his remote at the portable tv sitting on the couter. We hear, "From the CBS studios in New York City, it's the Late Show, with David Letterman."

Friday, 8:00 AM
"Well, did you watch?" Nina says to Tony.

"I fell asleep after the monologue and Robin Williams."

"So you didn't hear the taped message from HRC?"

Friday, 10:00 AM
Barack is screaming at David Pouffe who appears on the verge of tears, "the Letterman Show? on the first night when he's back after 3 months off. Why not us, why HRC? Did you know about this?"

"Yyyeess..." Pouffe stammers, "Letterman hates Oprah. Oprah supports you. You're out. HRC is in. The enemy of my enemy is my enemy."

"It's the enemy of my enemy is my friend, you twit".

"Everyone's your enemy in politics and Hollywood."

"Make something happen, and happen quickly, or you're out Pouffe. For good!"

Saturday, 10:00 AM
Salazaar sits by the pool, then looks up slowly from his paper when his phone rings. He looks at the caller id - Ramirez, secure. "I told you never to call me before noon, Hector. This better be important."

"David Pouffe has something to say to you."

"Put him through."

see also:
m.o.i.: 48 days, week 2
m.o.i.: 48 days, week 1
m.o.i.: Damn it! I just can't do this anymore.

don't try this at home

Fried chicken. Who doesn't love it? Ok, animal rights activists, vegans and vegetarians probably don't. But what about free-range, sustainably harvested , small family-farm-raised, pan-fried chicken? Doesn't that sound great?

But frying chicken at home? Not encouraged. Like smoking indoors. For a few minutes of satisfaction, it's just not worth subjecting your family to the grime and aftertaste. Warrior Ant Press set out to find if it was possible to create the taste of homemade fried chicken without the grease, feathers, and fry daddy.

Here's how we did it.

Procure some chicken from a local farm. Because we are fond of drumsticks, we got ours from Drumstick Farm, a specialty outfit that produces only drumsticks and wings for sale to the public, the rest of the chicken being distributed solely to a fine dining establishment that utilizes only the breast and thigh meat but that is another story altogether. Also from said local farm we obtained some heavy cream. Only chickens were harmed in the frying of this chicken. No lard was used.

Deep-fried chicken without the fryer

For this you will need.

10 chicken legs (or 1 cut frying chicken) raised on Proust, caviar, and progressive politics.

1 cup unpasteurized, heavy cream from folks who read Proust to their chickens.

2 cups Martha White self-rising cornmeal (facilitates the intersection of high and low culture).

Salt, pepper, poultry seasoning, and paprika to taste.

Several tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil.

Wash, drain, and dry the chicken legs (or parts). Bring to room temp.
Blend together well the cornmeal, salt, pepper, and spices.
Pass the chicken pieces through the heavy cream and into the cornmeal spice mixture. Coat all sides evenly then place the chicken pieces in a casserole dish coated liberally with olive oil.

Bake the chicken, uncovered at 350 for ~30 minutes. Turn the chicken at least once to facilitate browning and crisping of the coating. Remove, let stand for a few minutes, and serve with mashed potatoes, steamed green beans, and lots of sweet iced tea.

What you will discover when you are finished is that although you may have prepared an adequate dinner, tasty, not altogether without some nod to sustainability, it will be no substitute for pan-fried chicken. There isn't one. Except fried chicken.

Recommendation. If you really want the flavor of pan-fried chicken you'll have to go to Stroud's. Strouds, whose motto is "We choke our own chickens", and who has never meet a chicken joke they didn't like, is a James Beard Award recipient. Not bad for a restaurant that only serves fried chicken. And Stroud's which closed its flagship store to make way for progress (read a road through the middle of it) has announced plans to open a new restaurant in Fairway, Kansas by the end of the year. Fairway, as the name implies, is a fair place, if you're white and middle class - sorta like Iowa which also loves pan-fried chicken and a good chicken joke. Here's one.

Q. Why is the Brownback campaign like a flock of Rhode Island Reds.
A. They both laid eggs in Iowa.

green eggs and lamb